They Did It. But What Did It Cost?
Imagine two students sitting next to each other in math class.
The teacher says, “Alright class, take out your books.”
One student reaches into their backpack, grabs the book, and puts it on their desk.
The student next to them does the exact same thing. Except… their brain is also trying to tune out the relentless clicking of the pen behind them. They just remembered the homework they didn't completely finish for next block. They're pretty sure their friend is mad at them and can't stop replaying the conversation. And they really don't want to put away the doodle they were working on to start math.
Still, the book comes out.
If you were watching from across the classroom, you'd see two kids doing exactly the same thing. What you wouldn't see is everything else one of those kids' brains had to navigate to get there.
Same outcome. Very different cost.
As adults, we rely pretty heavily on outcomes to tell us how kids are doing:
Did they follow the direction?
Finish the assignment?
Get the grade?
Handle the transition?
Interact well with other kids?
If they met the mark, it's easy to stop there and assume everything is great. And sometimes, it is!
But simply knowing that a child did something doesn't necessarily tell us what it took for them to do it.
What Might We Be Missing?
Tell me if you recognize this pattern in your child:
Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. EXPLOSIVE MELTDOWN.
Everything seemed completely manageable until suddenly... it very much WAS NOT.
When this happens repeatedly, depletion is one of the first things I get curious about. What happened earlier that day? What have they already had to navigate? How much energy have they spent keeping it together? How much do they really have left?
Because the meltdown over putting away the shoes may not really be about the shoes. By the time you see the big reaction, you may actually be seeing the accumulation of all the effort it took to stay in control, meet expectations, and hold it together over the course of the day.
To be clear, we all lose it sometimes. Sometimes kids (and adults!) just get tired, hungry and cranky. One disproportionate meltdown doesn't necessarily tell us much. I'm talking about a pattern.
For some kids, getting through an ordinary day simply requires more of their internal resources than it does for others.
And this pattern is especially important to consider with neurodivergent kids. Children with ADHD, autism, anxiety, sensory differences, or some combination of these may have much more going on behind the scenes during things that look pretty straightforward from the outside.
Many of the environments these kids move through every day simply aren't designed around the way their brains work. They're often the ones doing the adapting: filtering out more, inhibiting more, navigating sensory input, or consciously working through expectations that another child barely has to think about.
All of these kids can absolutely do hard things! It just helps to recognize when those things cost them more.
OK, So… What Do I Do?
None of this means we remove every difficult thing or assume a child can't handle something because it takes more out of them! But instead of only asking:
“Did my child do it?”
We can try adding:
“How much did it ask of my child?”
Then use that information!
Look for the pattern before the meltdown. What does "I'm running out of steam" look like for your child? Maybe they get louder and sillier, start picking at their sibling, become more rigid, or suddenly can't handle being told no. The earlier you recognize the pattern, the more opportunity you have to intervene before they're completely spent and explode.
Build in recovery time. If school, a birthday party, sports practice, or a family gathering takes a lot out of your child, consider what you ask of them immediately afterward. They may need food, movement, quiet, play, or just some time without another demand.
Spend their energy where it matters. Sometimes we're asking kids to manage ten things when only three are actually important. If they're using a ton of energy getting through homework, maybe you can let go of their messy handwriting right now or the fact that they won’t stop humming. Identifying what matters most in the moment can take some practice, especially if your own brain handles multiple demands pretty easily!
Add support without automatically removing the challenge. Hard doesn't mean can't. Your child may still need to finish the assignment, go to the party, or have the difficult conversation. Maybe they just need to know the plan ahead of time, break the task into smaller pieces, or know they can take a break.
Think about what comes next. If something just took a lot out of your child, their capacity for the next demand may be lower. Expectations don't have to disappear, but timing matters.
Help them learn their own patterns. Eventually, we want kids to notice this for themselves: I've noticed everything starts bothering you when you're running out of steam. Do you notice that too? Over time, they can learn what their early warning signs feel like and what actually helps. (Spoiler alert: therapy can help with this!!)
Ultimately, we want kids to know their own strengths and challenges. We want them to understand what comes easily, what asks more of them, and what it feels like when they're approaching their limit.
In the meantime, we can be curious enough to notice when “they did it” may not be the entire story.
Therapy can help kids better understand their own patterns, recognize what’s happening before they reach their limit, and build skills for navigating the things that ask more of them. It can also help parents better understand what’s happening beneath the behavior and how to support their child along the way.
I’d love to help! Feel free to reach out or schedule a free 15-minute consultation call if you’re interested in exploring working with me.